So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
