My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
