im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
