also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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