Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
