I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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