Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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