You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
