and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
