I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize