Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
