dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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