there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
