I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
