i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize