If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
