I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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