I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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