i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
