i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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