I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
