Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
