Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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