One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize