I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
