I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Randomize
