Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
