I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
