Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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