I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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