Pappa wants mamma naked
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
