I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
