U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
