I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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