a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
