you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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