Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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