just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
