his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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