oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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