I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
is that a dick in a sweater?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
