thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
