just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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