the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
