Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
