wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
