I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
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