so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I have tasted many bathrooms
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
