I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
