My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
