I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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