Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
