I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Who died my cat blue again?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
