theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
