The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
my shit smells like andre
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
