Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
