I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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