If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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