I wish I only lived at night.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
